I’ve always loved books. Not your average reading books, just plain lined books. No words, just the open pages waiting for me to write in them. It’s being able to write my own stories about the dreams I have as I lay down to rest, or being able to re-live through a memory as I described every detail on the page, or writing down a quote or a song lyric that got stuck in my head that day.
I just feel that I articulate my thoughts best if I write them down and its how I’ve always been. Growing up, I’ve always had a journal; even one that was password protected by my own voice (although that didn’t stop my brother from taking out the batteries and replacing them only for it to re-set a new password). Back then I started every page with “Dear Diary…” but I think my writing style has evolved a little since then.
The older I got, the more I realised I’m in a generation that likes to share everything and out of nowhere I decided to use what little creativity I have to re-create those words written down on paper to a computer screen accessible for the world to see. Ironic, because I’m actually a pretty private person. Private when it comes to keeping my thoughts and opinions or emotions from something raw in my life, to myself that is.
But you know what, I’m paying for this darn website so I might as well as use it.
“It was just like deja-vu. I’ve been here before; I’ve heard it all before. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I know I’m a lot stronger than I was and I know it’s definitely for the best, but it really doesn’t hurt any less”.
Don’t get me wrong I’m so content with being by myself, but it is never easy when you start to break down those walls only to build them right back up again. I’m just so sick of hearing the “right person, wrong time” spiel. Let’s be honest, I think I’ve even used that in the past. The “It’s just not the right time for me”, “I’m still working on myself” when really its just a nicer way of saying “I’m just not that into you”. It’s a hard truth and one that absolutely sucks to hear, but we all need to face up to the fact that the people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong people. The right person, should just know from the get go. It shouldn’t matter what obstacles are to come, or what plans were already made. The right person would make it work and would give it a chance no matter what.
“Even if I knew it were to end, even if I knew we wouldn’t walk away friends, i’d still do it again.”
You’re probably thinking, why would you rewind the clock only to do it the exact same way again? Well because I believe that only when you are lost is when you truly find yourself. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been used but it’s the exact reason why I have enough self worth now to know when I deserve more.
When life get’s a little tough, you become a little stronger and a little wiser. So why regret the things that make us a better person? And besides, I wouldn’t of even stepped my foot into it if i didn’t like the guy and didn’t enjoy the time spent with him. I just know who I am and what I want. I’m no temporary kinda girl and I won’t settle for any less.
I never like to talk about my itty-bitty problems, because in reality they just seem so little compared to what others are faced with. But I’ve come to realise that people can relate to my itty-bitty problems and just like some lyrics that stick to my brain, my words might just stick to yours and help you deal with your itty-bitty problems too.
I think this is why I’ve chosen to share more raw things on here, including the exact words from my journal and the emotions that I’m feeling. Because I know I’m not alone and it eases the pain a little bit knowing that I’m experiencing something that a few others have endured before too.
Now let that be a warning to all, because who knows… I might just do a Taylor Swift and you come to realise that my blog post is actually about you.