At 10 years old, my eyes glued to the TV screen; never moving an inch while an episode of the Simpsons and Neighbours went by. A home cooked meal was placed on the table by 7pm and as Home and Away plays in the background I would clean up the mess that was made in the kitchen. I make my way to the bedroom as 7.30 ticks around and turn off the lights behind me. At 10 years old, what I wouldn’t give to be 16, with a much later bedtime.
At 16 years old, I hi-fived my mum as I passed my driving exam. With the radio turned off and my hands placed at exactly 10 and 3 o’clock; I would watch as cars overtook with their windows wound down, one hand on the steering wheel and their beats blaring. My friends are getting drunk off passion pop at sweet sixteen parties, while I am mainly missing out because of being grounded. At 16 years old, what I wouldn’t give to be 18, to have a licence to drive by myself and to finally be legal to drink.
At 18 years old, I packed up my bed, my clothes and the rest of my things to move in with my very first love. We may have only dated for a short amount of time, but I can’t help but fall head first into something that I think will last a lifetime. But with how quickly it began, it quickly fell apart too and I was back moving my bed into the dents in the carpet that remained still at my parents home. At 18 years old, what I wouldn’t give to be 21, with my very own place to call mine.
At 23 years old, I think to myself; That if only I knew back then, what I know now. That growing up is not at all what it’s cracked up to be.
It has taken some time (10 months to be exact) to find the courage to even turn on my computer screen let alone to start typing away and bring my blog back to life. I didn’t know where to begin, what to say, whether I should delete it all and start from scratch or even if I was ready for you all to read the open pages of my life again. But here I am, sitting at the same white desk with the same office chair as when this blog began, only it feels very very different. It may be the fact that it’s not in the same room as it was, nor in the same house. Or the fact that the person behind the computer screen writing this, is just simply different to the girl she was a few months ago.
Although the year hasn’t ended yet, I feel it has been one of the most amazing but difficult years of my life. Despite the hardships I encountered in the beginning of 2018, I’ve learnt to be thankful for it all. For it has been the year of making mistakes but learning of lessons and finding out just who I am supposed to be.
A lot can change in an instant. One day, one single person held my whole heart in their hands, the next it’s broken in two. One day, that one single person was in my life, the next they are simply not. Heartbreaks are inevitable, we all go through it at some point in our life. It’s just a matter of how you choose to react from the situation, what you learn from the situation and what you do from that moment forward.
The hardest lesson that I have learnt this year was in fact learning how to forgive. It is easy to put the blame on someone else, but I forgive myself for my part too. It certainly didn’t happen overnight and not something I found easy to do but I knew in order for myself to move forward I had to let go, accept what’s happened and leave that part of my life in the past. I found my closure once I learnt how to forgive, not only myself but also those who have done me wrong and realising that everything is temporary, that everyone isn’t for everyone, and him and I just weren’t for each other.
I hate how easy is it to fall in the comparison trap. Whether that is of comparing our relationships, popularity, career or appearance, we all do it on a day-to-day basis. And if anyone would understand more, it’s me. When someone chooses someone else over you, you loose a part of yourself. You battle with your mind, wondering why you weren’t good enough. Truth is, people aren’t meant to stay in your life; they are all just lessons for yourself. They teach you to be better; to learn what’s right and what’s wrong and most importantly to teach you how to love yourself.
Thank-you to all that I have met in my life, whether it was brief or not because I have achieved a self-love and respect for myself more than I ever have before. I stand (or sit if we are talking this current moment) tall and proud of the person I have become. I don’t need external love or praise; I am my own damn cheerleader. No one can tell me who I should be, I am and will be the person I want to be. I know I am good enough, I know I am deserving of a love that I want, when I want it. But right now I love discovering myself again, finding out my strengths, accepting the flaws, trying new things, and socialising more. It’s an amazing feeling not having anything hold me back but myself.
I have always been a positive person but I didn’t realise just how much positivity and strength I had until it was the only choice left. Believe me I had my days where I would cry myself to sleep, scream in my pillow and refuse to eat because I felt sick to my stomach. But yet I still got up every morning to face the world with a smile on my face, because there is just no other way to do it. It’s so easy to forget that there is still so much to be grateful for when you are going through a tough situation or that there is ALWAYS someone out there somewhere doing it worse off than you. It is very cliché but your mind is a realllllly powerful thing, if you want to be happy, you have to think happy. You have control over your thoughts; thoughts do not have control over you.
Positivity is an ongoing practice that I will take to the grave, but it definitely helps to take time out for me and do something that stops those dark thoughts in its tracks. Whether that is to release stress at the gym, fill up the bathtub and light a candle or write in my notebook with positive affirmations, positive quotes and things I was grateful for that day. I know I can get through anything as long as I keep a state of positivity.
Growing up the word selfish always seemed to be used as an insult. i.e as in self- absorbed and not caring of anyone’s needs but our own. But the older I get the more I realise that to some extent we all need to be a little ‘selfish’. Ever since I was a young girl, I have always put someone’s needs and wants before my own. It’s the way I’ve always been and I think the way that I will always be until my last; to a certain degree that is. You could say that I’m a slow learner because breaking out of this habit in a constant work in progress, but I’m becoming more aware of when and who I need to put my focus towards.
I’ve learnt to be selective of my circle and whom I keep around me. Sometimes someone that you’ve known for a couple of weeks can understand you more than someone you’ve known a couple of years. I took a major step back to those that I found altered my happiness, or put me out one way or another. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, it just meant that I needed to make myself a priority to reach for more clarity, peace and happiness.
Whether we are 21 or 51, life doesn’t get easier the older we are. We learn every day, and make mistakes regardless of the amount of birthdays have been and gone. If I look at myself from 5 years ago, heck even 10 months ago, to the person I see in the mirror today I see so much change, so much growth. I have different interests now, different goals and personality traits. There is still so much to learn about myself and I am excited as hell for that adventure.